Do you?

What happens when your thoughts stray to me? In the day, when you should be working but find yourself with nothing to do? At night, when sleep is cast off in favor of memories of my scent, my flesh, my desire mingled with yours?

I want to know – how hard is it not to touch yourself in those moments when memories of me and what I do to you are circling your mind? Do you ever give in and touch yourself?

Do you?

When you’re driving, alone with just your thoughts, are you ever tempted to find that sensitive spot and slowly circle your thumb around it, lazily, with just a little bit of fear that someone is going to know what you are doing?

Do you imagine, in that moment, or caught off guard while making dinner, or purposefully after scrolling through your Tumblr feed and seeing the images of things to come that I’ve left for you, do you imagine the words you want to hear me whisper in your ear?

“Kneel” or “Don’t move” or “You’re going to stay there until I say you are done”? or “I’m going to fuck you until you forget your name, and that’s just the beginning”?

Do you pause what you are doing as you savor the feeling of your pants constricting your swelling cock?

Do you go one step further and imagine all the ways in which you could be used, debased down to nothing but the most primitive systems running because all higher functioning is really not needed for what you’re going to be doing?

In those moments, do you touch yourself? Does your hand circle your shaft, squeezing, stroking, letting go of the tension and lust built up since the last time? Do you shiver, just a little, slightly drunk from the combination of physical pleasure and memories of how I know just what to do to make you a puddle of hedonistic desire?

Do you imagine, in those moments, that I am watching? That I am directing?

Do you?

Discoveries with a new partner

I admit I had built it up a bit in my mind; we all tend to do that when we meet someone new, don’t we? We’d been texting for a couple of weeks, and we’d talked about kink. I established that he was definitely kinky, and in most of the ways that I was looking for in a play partner. He mentioned liking pain such as CBT, and I thought, “Great! I finally found a masochist!” I was clear that I am a sadist. I didn’t dance around it or use cutesy terms. I was as forthcoming as I could be, and he was very receptive and eager.

I drove the ~70 miles to the town over to meet him for lunch. I didn’t have a game plan or any expectations. In fact, I had been adamant that there would be no play on the first date. I took no toys or restraints with me. We had lunch, which led into dinner, which led into a decision on my part to stay the night because the road to his home is steep and covered in loose gravel (I’d lost traction twice driving up the mountain to it) and the deer on the highway from his city to mine are thick (there’s frequent and sometimes lethal accidents).

I liked him as soon as I met him. He is German, and I love accents. He is smart and funny and I had an amazing time just talking to him. He was a complete gentleman and I didn’t feel creeped on or objectified at all. We meshed as friends so incredibly well – far better than I’d expected.

When I changed my mind and decided fuck it, let’s play, I initially enjoyed it. I was able to be rougher in ways that I’m normally not, but in other ways – ways that I’m use to and enjoy – I had to tone it down. The whole point for me in finding a play partner was that I wouldn’t have to hold back. While I regret nothing and would like to see him again, having to temper my sadism was a let down. He said that I provided the right amount of pleasure and pain; I don’t really know how to tell him that something was still missing for me.

So that experience leads me to wonder how I relay just what I do need so that I can determine if someone I’m talking to is going to mesh up with me. I suppose I should start saying I need a “heavy masochist” or a “serious masochist.” When I get going, I’m very feral and predatory. He is my prey, and I will take him down, claw and bite and devour him, use him up until he has nothing left to give. But how do I determine if someone is going to be that person for me, when their idea of sadism is some ball slapping and spanking? That’s like, a Tuesday for me. It’s run of the mill, nothing special; that’s light foreplay as far as I’m concerned. One person’s horror movie is my walk in the park on a sunny afternoon.

I do get to see my husband later this week, which is very happy making since it’s been over 3 months, and we’ll play and be our happy goofy selves then. But he is so going to be in for it. I hope he’s prepared!